Al Fatiha for Abah.To know what kind of person you really are,
you have to be in some sort of situation.
And I was in that situation,
4 days ago.
Abah left me and my aunt.
And my family.
My uncle who
was like my second dad.
And the thing that hurts us most,
The thing that we couldn't get over,
Was that it was too fast.
Too fast.
It was a week ago.
On Friday
We ate at Sakunthala.
A nice family dinner together.
The normal tease.
The typical warnings,
to watch out for the roads.
Normal. Perfect.
Then came the next day.
Where it changed our lives forever.
Baba went out with Mak for the entire day.
He was on "MC".
They went all around.
And then went home for Maghrib.
He then said that he don't feel too good.
But still insisted on going to Mak Long's place.
So he came.
And he seemed fine.
But restless.
I was having a blast talking to my cousins.
Not really paying attention much.
But i overheard my dad said that
Abah should be sent to the hospital.
Because he look like he's really in pain.
And it seemed like a heart condition.
So my cousin sent Abah to the hospital.
I couldn't follow.
All i said before he left was,
"Bah, okie tak bah?"
"Okay!" He replied, calm and too normal.
And then he left.
And all i saw after that,
was something so painful.
3 hours in the OT
Him on the hospital bed,
with a tube down his throat.
And we just broke down.
The doctor said that during the surgery,
he collapsed 3 times.
But it was like as if he refuse to leave.
He wants to say goodbye to us.
That's why he came back,
though unconscious.
I was there.
Awake the whole night.
Accompanying my aunt.
But on Sunday morning,
it was bad.
My cousin and aunt went in.
Few minutes later, she came out.
Her voice cracking,
"Kak, suruh mak long datang. Abah..."
.لحمد لله
I didn't panic, or faint or start weeping or being weak per se.
I wasn't rendered useless by the news.
I was so determine to make calls.
Despite somehow forgetting numbers,
that was already etched on my memory cells.
I broke down when i heard the other party crying,
Because i knew exactly how she felt.
The next moment and everyone was there.
Crowding at the MICU.
Praying, crying silently.
Touching abah.
Stroking his forehead.
Seeking forgiveness.
And then he left.
With all his family by his side.
And we just broke.
And went he came home,
we broke down again.
Seeing his body lifeless.
So different from his jovial self.
He refuse to open his eyes.
Or crack some silly jokes.
And i kiss him goodbye.
As i drew my head nearer.
I saw his closed kohl eyelids.
And that image stuck to my mind.
Everytime i thought that he was still around.
Coming back from work.
Happily saying "Assalamualaikum"
Offering food he bought.
Making funny noises.
But that image,
of his closed kohl eyelids,
spoilt everything.
Bringing me back to reality.
And i missed him.
Already.
Missed his funny jokes.
His generous nature.
His friendly self.
His collection of belts,
wallets, combs.
He even bought a expensive medicinal comb.
His security guard uniform,
unwashed, is still hung up.
The same one he took off,
before going to Sakunthala.
But i thank الله.
For making it so easy for him.
It wasn't painful.
He didn't have to suffer, bedridden.
Or was involve in an accident.
And الله still gave us 3 chances.
To be with him.
Before he leaves us forever.
And i thank الله,
for giving me so many opportunities,
to spend time with Abah.
The many dinners.
From his last day to the last second of his life.
To the last breathe.
To the last heart beat.
And Nabil.
"Atuk sakit? Asal Atuk tidur kat carpet.
"Cik Maya, atuk sakit eh?"
"Atuk keluar darah"
"Ohh, Atuk sakit gigi?" (because of the tube)
And he made us cry again.
But we sometimes forgot that he had left us.
How we casually said "Abah".
Like as if he was still around, and you could enquire him.
Forgetting for that one second that he was gone.
It was a word that was so often used,
that it has become a habit to have it in our daily conversations.
It hurts.So much.
When we remembered his body,
being lowered into the grave.
We all love Abah.
I love Baba.
If i could ever relive one day in my life,
I would relive that day when we went to Sakunthala.
When everything was so perfect.
When my favourite song was played on the radio,
When i finally found the Hershey cooking chocolate
When Afiqah giggled so much and so loud.
And my cousin cut her hair so short.
And we chatted and laughed.
When abah was being his clumsy self,
keeping the phone in his pocket,
when my cousin was still on the line.
And that was our last dinner together.
and if you must know.
He died due to smoking.
If you haven't start, please don't ever.
It'll just hurt your family.
I love my family so much, it hurts.
