Ever since the many deaths
I'd seen this year, I can't stop
thinking about it.
Really, I'm not suicidal.
But I just keep thinking about it.
How, at one point, it would be alright if I die tonight.
And how, at most times, I was scared of not being able
to repent fully in time for death.
Every thing reminds me of death.
I kept thinking of people around me dying.
The loved ones in my life, myself.
Every emotions was somehow connected to death.
Every sickness, though common, was related to death.
Every moment was entwined with death.
The 'what ifs' in my life would end with death.
I could be spoiling myself in my aunt/ mom/ dad's love
and I will be thinking "what if I die tonight?"
or "what if they leave me tomorrow?"
Every toss and turn I take, and I would be thinking,
"what if the next time I turn, and realise she's no longer breathing?"
Every cough and sigh and I would stop to check the heaving
of their bodies.
Really, I assure you. I'm not suicidal.
My threshold for pain is really low.
I don't think I want to jump off a building or slit my wrists.
What I want to do, is to love and be loved
by my family and ﷲ.
It's simple, nein?
I think I just need to be around someone,
who can take my mind off things.
Death in particular.
Okay. enough with the pondered thoughts.
Sacheon, chillax?
I'd seen this year, I can't stop
thinking about it.
Really, I'm not suicidal.
But I just keep thinking about it.
How, at one point, it would be alright if I die tonight.
And how, at most times, I was scared of not being able
to repent fully in time for death.
Every thing reminds me of death.
I kept thinking of people around me dying.
The loved ones in my life, myself.
Every emotions was somehow connected to death.
Every sickness, though common, was related to death.
Every moment was entwined with death.
The 'what ifs' in my life would end with death.
I could be spoiling myself in my aunt/ mom/ dad's love
and I will be thinking "what if I die tonight?"
or "what if they leave me tomorrow?"
Every toss and turn I take, and I would be thinking,
"what if the next time I turn, and realise she's no longer breathing?"
Every cough and sigh and I would stop to check the heaving
of their bodies.
Really, I assure you. I'm not suicidal.
My threshold for pain is really low.
I don't think I want to jump off a building or slit my wrists.
What I want to do, is to love and be loved
by my family and ﷲ.
It's simple, nein?
I think I just need to be around someone,
who can take my mind off things.
Death in particular.
Okay. enough with the pondered thoughts.
Sacheon, chillax?
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